I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
