I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
