I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
