I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize