last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
