When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
