its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
