Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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