I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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