Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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