Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Where did you get a picture of my penis
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
