i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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