You smell like stripper and shame
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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