She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
