I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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