Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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