just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
