I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
