I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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