i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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