I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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