I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
