I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
