he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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