yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize