I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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