at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
