I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
