have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
