I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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