Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
