I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
