i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
