my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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