I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
