I accidentally had phone sex last night
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
