im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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