If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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