also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
now i know why i became what i already was.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
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