dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
