The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
