My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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