glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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