My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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