your parents love me but you hate me
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
My balls are so social today.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
