I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
