I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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