I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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