Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
