There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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