I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just saw a hot homeless man
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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