She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize