i just wanna soil my oats bro
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
