y did u give ur computer a hand job?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
