Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
