if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Let the clothes fall where they may.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
