I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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