Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
