I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
