When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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